I Love You
by Yazzy
Summary: Kai commits suicide. Rei must come to terms with the loss of the one he loved. Yaoi, KaiRei. R for character death.


-

To whoever finds this,

it's no-one's fault that I did what I did. Well, I say no-one's. It's mine. You see, deep down, I'm a coward. And by killing myself, I've taken the easy way out. I've run away. Don't cry about me or anything stupid like that; everyone should know by now that I'm a cold, horrible bastard, and I always will be. I don't deserve your tears.

I only have one more thing to say. And that is, Rei, I love you...loved you... And...I'm sorry for never telling you to your face, but I couldn't face being rejected. That's why I did this, but it's not your fault. I'm just too scared of what I feel for you. And...that's it. Have a nice life all of you.

Kai Hiwatari.

PS. Will someone please look after my cat?

-

Rei looked down at the note in his hands aghast. He'd found it on Kai's bed when he'd gone to ask his captain about training tomorrow, and now he was staring at it, horrified. He brushed his hands over it and the ink smudged. He threw it onto the bed, running for the door. He had to find Kai. He had to stop him. He pelted through the streets, heading for the one place he was sure Kai would be; the warehouse. He was panting for breath as he shoved the door open. "Kai! No!"

He gasped. Kai was standing there, back turned, holding a gun to his head. He shivered as he heard Rei's voice. "Kai, what are you doing?" Without answering, without turning, Kai's finger tensed and he squeezed the trigger. Rei screamed and ran to him, catching him as he fell. "Kai...Kai! Oh my God, Kai, what have you done!"

"I love you..."

"I love you too." He kissed Kai ferociously. "You're so selfish, Kai! How do you expect me to live without you!" He cradled Kai to his chest, getting covered in his blood, and began to cry. "Oh Kai..." He kissed him again, taking hold of Kai's hand and squeezing it.

"...I'm...sorry...I didn't...think..."

"No you didn't!" Rei sobbed into Kai's blood-soaked hair. "I love you Kai. I love you."

"Didn't think...you liked me..."

"You never asked!" Wailed Rei. Kai gave his hand a brief squeeze, then he went limp. Rei howled with pain and sadness, crying heartbrokenly, still holding Kai's dead body in his arms.

"Rei?" About half an hour later, and Rei was still with Kai, unable to let go, or to stop crying. "Rei...oh my God, Rei, what happened?"

"He thought I didn't love him!" Gasped Rei as Tyson and Max crouched down beside him. "I couldn't stop him..." His tears fell faster and he leaned against Tyson, almost corpse-like himself. He closed his eyes, chest heaving with soundless sobs as Max called Mr. Dickenson and the emergency services.

When they came, the police had to drag Rei away and restrain him. He was insane with grief, trying to go back to Kai as he was photographed and wrapped up. "Kai! KAI!" He collapsed, falling to his knees, but Tyson and Max held him up. He hung there, feeling desolate and bereft. "Kai...oh Kai...I love you...I do love you..." He tugged his arms away from Tyson and Max's and dropped to the floor, curling up on himself, a ball of tears and hurt and broken-heartedness.

He submitted to being carried into Mr. Dickenson's limousine, and made no protest when he was taken back to Tyson's house and deposited on his bed. He ignored Max and Kenny and Tyson, even though they tried to talk to him and reassure him. All he could to was shake and cry, an endless stream of bitter tears. Kai's voice was echoing in his ears, repeating all the things he'd said. After a while, he found that he couldn't stand it. "Stop it!" He cried, holding his head.

"Rei? What are you-"

"No! I -do- love you, Kai!" He wailed. Tyson stood up and laid a hand on his shoulder. "NO! Get off me! You're not Kai...you're not Kai..."

"Rei, Kai's...gone..."

"NO!" Rei flew up, scratching at Tyson's face. Tyson dodged and Rei fell against him, clutching at him desperately. He sobbed into Tyson's collar for a couple of minutes, trying to come to terms with something he'd rather not think about. "He's d-dead, isn't he?"

"Yes."

Rei stood up and went to the door. "Rei..."

"He wanted us to look after his cat..." He clenched his fists, as if daring Tyson to stop him. "I'm going to find it."

Rei spent the next week not talking to anyone but the cat. When anyone else spoke to him, he would look at them blankly, with dead eyes. But the cat...the cat sat with him whenever it could, and Rei talked to it, telling it about Kai. Now that Kai wasn't there, he seemed to remember all the exact things about Kai that made him love the russian. "He always used to lick his spoon...just like that!" He laughed, demonstrating the action to the cat. It purred and moved onto his lap. "I loved him. But..." Rei took a deep breath. "He's dead now. He said I shouldn't cry over him...but that's exactly what I've been doing. He would be so angry...He would be telling me to get out there and train..." He picked the cat up and walked to the window. The others were outside, battling. They didn't look all that enthusiastic either...

"What do you think? You knew Kai, didn't you? Should I go out there and train?"

"Yee-ess." The cat meowed, but it sounded to Rei as if it were saying 'yes'. He smiled and hugged the cat, laying it back on the bed carefully. He picked up Driger, and then felt under his pillow. His hand emerged, clasping Dranzer. He hadn't told the others, but he'd taken it a few days ago. It had seemed...right.

He stroked it against his cheek. "Rei..."

He jumped. "Who's there?"

"It's me. Dranzer..."

"D-Dranzer?" Rei blinked and shook his head. "This isn't really happening. I'm just imagining it."

"No you're not. Rei...Kai wants you to take me and use me...he wants you to be strong...he's with you Rei, always..." The voice trailed off and Rei sat down on his bed, puzzled. After a few moments thought, he got up and went into the bedroom Kai had been in, before...

He looked around, feeling as if he were in some sort of sacred place. The bed was ruffled and rumpled, exactly as Kai had left it. Rei sat down on it, then lay down, burying his head in the pillow. It smelt of Kai... Rei put his hands under the pillow and hugged it to his face. He felt something smooth beneath his fingers, and took hold of it.

It was a piece of folded paper...with his name on it...

He opened it with shaking hands.

-

Rei...

If you're reading this, I've done what I always swore I'd never do. And I'm sorry, because I know it'll hurt you. I hope you haven't been crying over me, because even I know I'm not worth it. But I want you to know...that I love you...loved you. It's hard for me to write that, because I've never really known love before, but what I feel for you is so strong it couldn't be anything else.

But I'm scared, Rei. Or should that be...I was scared? I have no way of dealing with these feelings, Rei, and they terrify me. I can't think of another way out. So I'm going to kill myself.

I love you, truly, and deeply, and with all my heart. If you want it, take Dranzer and use it to be stronger...because that's what you always wanted. I'm so glad you left your village to become stronger...because if you hadn't I would never have met you. You may not have noticed, but in a lot of ways you made my life, my bleak, depressing life, more bearable.

I'll never be able to hold you in my arms, or kiss you, or tell you how much I love you, but I hope these words in some way make what I've done hurt less. If I can ask one thing of you Rei, just one thing...I want you to promise to live your life to the fullest, and be strong, and have fun. And please don't ever be a coward like me. Have a nice life, Rei. Maybe I'll see you on the other side...if there is another side...

Just one last thing; I love you. and you might think that means I shouldn't have done what I did. But Rei...you're so wonderful...so perfect...that I didn't think you'd want a bastard like me. And even so it doesn't matter; love isn't something that can be stopped or destroyed...it exists forever. My love for you is in the stars and the moon and the sky and every single thing around you. I'll always be with you. I love you. I really, truly, love you.

Yours forever,

Kai.

-

Rei traced his fingers over the paper. It was crinkled in places, and he could see that it was from tears. He clutched the letter to his chest, feeling tears fill his own eyes. He sat there for a while, crying, but it was a different sort of crying to before. It was...more peaceful. He knew Kai was gone, and he was never coming back, but the pain of that that had been like a dagger in his mind before had reduced itself to a dull ache. He re-folded the letter and tucked it into his pocket, standing up decisively.

He went out of the room, closing the door behind him softly. He walked down the stairs and outside, blinking in the sunlight. He hadn't left the house in days...

He went round the side of the house, to where Max and Tyson were sat on the floor, looking slightly forlorn. Silently, Rei slipped Dranzer onto his launcher and fired it. It spun over to the two other boys. They stared at it for a while, gobsmacked, then looked up at Rei. His hand sneaked into his pocket and he held the letter. Kai was with him... "Anyone for a battle?"

Tyson and Max stared at him for a while, then Tyson got up. "You bet!"

fin


End file.
